How to use the conversation planner
- Choose the topic, or write your own in a few words.
- Pick up to three feelings: hurt, worried, lonely, overwhelmed and so on.
- Optionally describe when it happens, what you need and the specific thing you’ll ask for.
- Choose how your partner might react, so you’re prepared.
- Choose when you could talk, then read your script on the right.
- Print it if it helps to have notes, or just read it a few times beforehand.
Leave the optional fields empty and the planner fills in gentle defaults you can adapt.
What the script includes
- An opening that checks it’s a good time and sets a time frame, so nobody feels ambushed.
- What to say, in four parts: “I feel…”, “…when…”, “What I need is…” and “Would you be willing to…?”
- Listening prompts: let them finish, reflect back what you heard, ask what they need, look for agreement.
- Replies for difficult moments: one for each reaction you chose.
- Closing well: thanks, a short summary and something kind afterwards.
- Timing tips and things to avoid.
Why this structure works
Couples research consistently finds that how a conversation starts predicts how it ends. A gentle start that describes the situation and your feelings, rather than criticising your partner, keeps their guard down. Asking for something specific and doable gives them a clear way to help. Agreeing on breaks when either of you feels flooded prevents the escalation that makes people say things they regret. Small repair attempts, like acknowledging their point or using a little humour, keep the conversation on track.
Worked examples
Example 1: phones at dinner
Topic Spending time together, feeling Lonely, situation “we spend evenings on our phones”, need “time that’s just ours”, request “have one phone-free evening a week”. The script reads: “I feel lonely… when we spend evenings on our phones. What I need is time that’s just ours. Would you be willing to have one phone-free evening a week?”
Example 2: the chores conversation
Topic Sharing things at home, feelings Overwhelmed and Unappreciated, reaction Gets defensive. Alongside the script you get a reply for defensiveness: “I’m not saying it’s all on you. I’m sharing how it feels for me, because I want us to be OK.”
Example 3: a partner who goes quiet
Choose Go quiet or shut down and On a walk. The planner suggests talking side by side while walking, which feels less intense, and offers a reply that suggests a break and a time to continue.
When not to have this conversation
If you’re afraid of how your partner will react, or they control, threaten, isolate or hurt you, a planned talk can put you at risk. Tick the option I’m afraid of how they’ll react, or any box in the safety check, and the planner shows confidential, free support services instead of a script. Advocates can help you think through safe options.
Common mistakes
- Raising it in the middle of an argument. Choose a calm time.
- Covering everything at once. One topic per conversation.
- Reading the script word for word. Use it as a guide, in your own voice.
- Expecting agreement immediately. It’s fine to end with “Let’s keep thinking about this.”